This is a message for husbands who are unsure if they are ready to have children: stop waiting until you feel ready.

Recently, this conversation has been a recurring one among our friends. As we are in our mid-30s, our network primarily spans probably late-20s to late -30s, which is when this conversation often happens if it hasn't already. After several similar conversations where the wife is ready to start a family but the husband is uncertain, I found myself repeating the same case I will make below, only to the wrong spouse. Each time I have had this conversation, I mention I intend to put these thoughts in writing, which is met with enthusiastic encouragement to do so so they can share with their husbands. I am no expert, as I have only been on the other side of this one for three years and change, but its a message that I hope resonates with exactly the person who needs to hear it.

Here it’s necessary to state that obviously this advice is not universal- there are of course those who adamantly do not want, or cannot have, children. The target audience of this is husbands who have a wife who wants kids now or one day, or who are on the fence themselves. There are other circumstances as well that only you know, so take this urging how you will. If I can convince even one of those husbands whose wives I personally know that are feeling the intense and natural biological pressure to have a baby to pull the goalie and stop shooting blanks, its worth it. If that’s you, and you are one day holding the child you value more than anything in the world, the advice in this article will become in retrospect the most obvious couple pages you’ve ever read. With that said, here are both my philosophical as well as pragmatic arguments for not waiting any longer.

We tend to shy away from this discussion, couching our hesitancy in time-tested platitudes that seem to effectively stave off our parent’s shy (or uncomfortably forward) inquiries as to when they might become grandparents. Greater financial stability, a desire for more unencumbered experiences, and a contentment with the status quo typically top the list of unspecific reasons to wait, and they usually end the conversation without any additional context needed. These reasons for waiting sound like enough justification because we never challenge where these feelings come from. We never get pushed beyond our comfort level in thinking this through to its logical conclusion. In our culture, we ascribe undue value to our own opinions and comfort.

How dare others judge me or suggest I not live my best life by whatever means I choose.

Having been on both sides of this one, and with nothing to lose by stirring the pot and challenging men to think through their decisions more thoroughly, I am going to make the case for not waiting any longer to have children. In fact, I will use the same reasons that men give to justify waiting and flip them on their heads to make a much more compelling case for procreating instead. But first, let’s further develop the list of common reasons for the ‘lack of follow-through,’ if you will. I will refer to this as the Waiting List.

The Waiting List.

Topping most waiting lists is financial hesitation. There is likely not a specific set of criteria applied to this- no target net worth amount or, for those with a more advanced financial acumen, a target cash flow. Rather, it is often a general feeling of financial insecurity, that perhaps we are getting by fine with two mouths to feed, but to introduce another life into the equation would strain our resources beyond what would be responsible. Then there is the decision of what the mother will do- will she stay at home or keep working? If she is currently working, we are talking about a sizeable reduction in income if we have allowed our lifestyle to expand to consume both incomes. If she continues to work, do we incur a significant expense in paying for someone else to raise our child, often at an almost even exchange of her salary for the cost of help?

Let’s call the next hang-up career aspirations, which might manifest in tandem with financial hesitation. Perhaps we are waiting for a greater sense of job security or a promotion. We want to feel like the foundation is in place upon which to build a family, even if we can’t quite describe that foundation. Maybe another year or two more of grinding without the distraction of children would get us over the hump, maybe we are close to a milestone position in our industry.

Another mainstay of the waiting list is the desire to travel and create memories with our spouses without the complication of children and their seemingly endless needs. I’ve traveled the world, and count many of those memories among my favorites. We can all relate to this desire, and we can probably all name a few people who embody this desire to the extreme. Skiing in Japan, feeding elephants in Thailand, and hiking the Grand Tetons rank among some of my favorite memories with my wife. There is no denying that they would have been nearly impossible, or prohibitively complicated and exhausting, with young children. So much so that we likely wouldn’t have even attempted them. The types of trips and the limitations imposed by traveling with young kids are obvious, it is indeed a concession that one would likely have make, at least for a while.

Finally, most lists have some variation of simply not feeling ready. This isn’t really quantifiable, and can stem from fear, uncertainty, or apathy, to speculate at a few. Knowing there is friction and change ahead can make the status quo quite appealing. I think it’s accurate to say that there is no real way to feel ready until it actually happens; that mental switch just needs to flip out of necessity. This hesitation is probably the easiest to get around, as it is tangential to the other causes listed above, so it will simply fade away as the other items are examined and found lacking.

The Common Threads.

When we review the list of reasons that men are waiting, what common theme do we see? To me, the list can be boiled down to the pursuit and enjoyment of two things: money and time. Why do we want a promotion or a greater sense of job stability? Sure, a feeling of comfort and the sense of accomplishment are important, but by what standard are those measured in this context? Money, of course. Not the love of money, for most, but indeed the security and stability which it can provide. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the pursuit of money for what it can provide, especially when that pursuit is thoughtfully applied to our responsibilities as fathers to provide that security.

The other theme that stands out is time, which to me encapsulates the desire to travel unencumbered, to have experiences and create memories together before children enter the picture. These pursuits by a young married couple are themselves great goals- you’ll never regret time spent exploring the world and creating the early memories of your newly formed family.

But they will one day appear lacking in hindsight, like something was missing. They don’t diminish, in fact maybe even the opposite- they will seem like the most carefree and relaxing memories, and you’ll wonder why you had a worry in the world in those simple times. But it becomes harder to remember the details of life without children, like what you did to fill the days. This is a natural progression, but it is important to keep in mind that these experiences and memories should be given their due place on the priority list, which I hope to convince you is not as high as they may appear now.

While the optimization of time and money done right are commendable pursuits, their attainment is not something that must be forsaken when children enter our lives. They are not mutually exclusive with growing a family, and in fact are the same metrics that can be used to make a more compelling argument for not waiting. Said another way, time and money are the primary reasons to have children sooner. Time is actually the primary factor compelling you to not wait. It outweighs all other factors on either side of the ledger, because it is the only variable which cannot be purchased, improved, or known.

We all live until we don’t.

We know one thing with certainty: we are going to die one day. The date is unknown, but the outcome is not. That means that the countdown timer of our remaining days on earth is already dialed in, we just can’t read the digits. Take this very seriously, men:

Every day that passes without children in our lives is one less day we have with them.

This simultaneously obvious and profound. I believe that death is not the end, and I trust that our Heavenly Father will reunite believers when we eventually walk off this earth. But it still tears me up to think about leaving my girls, to know that one day I will graduate this life and will be without them for a while. Not only are my days with my girls numbered, but so are my days with their children. And theirs with me.

In my line of work, preparing for and optimizing this guaranteed outcome is a daily affair. If I knew today was my last day on earth, that tomorrow I pass on, I would wish for two things, both of which would be unattainable. I would want a lot more life insurance, as much as I could possibly get, to ensure my girls don’t have to change their lifestyle as our family’s income otherwise dies with me. More important by an infinite multiple, I would desperately want more days with them. But my time is up, tomorrow is the day the Lord calls me home and my girls don’t have their daddy with them anymore.

I can’t add time on the back end, but I could have added more time on the front end. The closer we get to the end, the more precious each day becomes. So if you know that, and you have the option to create more days with your children, do you think for a second that you would regret that extra time with them? Do you think you will look back and be glad you got three less years with them because of a promotion, or because that trip to Thailand was more relaxing?

You have the option to add to the counter of total days you have on earth with your children by not waiting. Every day that passes without them is one extra day you’ll one day wish you’d had, and you can take that to the bank.

Priceless.

Less important is the financial justification, but that too is actually a factor in favor of having children when viewed through the correct lens. Perhaps you need to be on the other side for that lens to truly come into focus, but you should intuitively already know the following: children are more valuable to their parents than any job, any bonus, any promotion, or net worth. My own life means less to me than that of my daughters, as all father’s know deep in their consciousness that they would give up their lives for their children without hesitation. Of course my money is less important than our children.

I have had what many would consider to be a dream job. I gave that job up over my refusal of the military’s COVID ‘vaccine’ mandate, thus I can truthfully say that my previously stellar career was less valuable than my conviction. I made good money and enjoyed my job, yet it took second seat to my moral and medical principles.

But let’s put that to the test. Were I put in a ‘gun to the head’ situation, where I had to comply with the unlawful mandate or lose my daughters, I would be the first one in line at the clinic to accept as many doses of myocarditis and cardiac distress as the criminals who run our military required. Thus, I can also truthfully say that my daughters are more valuable than my convictions, which themselves were important enough to me to give up my career over.

This is a bit of circular reasoning, I know, given that my health and longevity for the sake of my family was the very reason I refused the mandate in the first place. But the point is that there is no job, no net worth, no career stability, promotion, no material want that could ever come anywhere near the value my daughters bring me. I can say I would give up my job for my daughters, because in a way, I have already done so. How foolish it would have been to compromise their value, or to reduce the counter of remaining days left with them, over a job which vanished like dust the moment it came at odds with my conviction.

Sure, you might say, your children are priceless to you once you have them, but that doesn't mean I need to rush into it without proper financial planning. This is the one element of the waiting list that I won't indulge. I can understand the other points, and simply hope to encourage a mindset shift about them. But this one folds like a lady cop at the first hint of resistance.

Start with the wildly overdramatized cost of raising a child. Childless liberal academics will scare you with a six figure quote intended to inject further uncertainty into your decision. Peel back the onion on those quotes, however, and you'll find exorbitant costs for education (my wife and I will homeschool our daughters, that being an incomparably better education than anything the system can offer, and we pray they will be wise enough to know that college is essentially just a scam at this point), or for daycare (my wife, who my daughters are obsessed with and totally dependent on, and who understands them to a degree that baffles even me, is their primary caregiver, and we couldn't dream of outsourcing their development and care to someone who by necessity can only care less than she does). The itemized list includes an absurd amount of money committed to clothes and toys, to babysitters, and all manner of things which are definitely costs incurred, but not at the ruinous prices cited. You will never work harder than when you have children to provide for, if you're of enough character to at least be reading this article. This monster price tag is very negotiable, and even if it weren't, it's worth it. Just work harder.

That gets to my real issue with this line of thinking. When did it become acceptable for a man to postpone adulthood and fatherhood till a perceived level of comfort and external security was attained? Are we just pampered dandies who require sufficient luxuries in order to perform our duties? We are not from weak stock. The idea of refusing to fulfill your Biblical charge to be fruitful and multiply because you need extra square footage and a sizable nest egg before you can start thinking about your posterity is pathetic if you think back even just a few generations. Imagine telling your great-grandfather that you are waiting till your 30s to start having children because you require more experiences and a larger house. I think this is a fairly recent phenomenon borne of excessive luxury and indulgence which needs to be taken out back and shot in the head. Even today you'll find three generations of Mexicans shacked up in a two bedroom apartment, and they're still adding to the (unofficial) population of the nation.

Take the leap of faith and know that your effort will be redirected when your child is born. Your energy and your motivation to provide will kick into overdrive, and you will make it work. You don't get a pass on this one.

All that to say, there is nothing more valuable in the world to me than my family. Again, I would give up my current job at Remnant Finance and would go sit outside Home Depot with the day laborers if pursuing this work meant giving up even a single day with my girls. Yet, in direct contrast to the sentiment I express here, I actually did postpone marriage and starting a family because of my previous career as a Navy pilot. That job and the reasons above were all on my own waiting list. My wife and I dated long-distance the 3 years I was in Japan, and took our time getting married when I moved back stateside. After getting married, we waited a few years to have our first child because I had a great opportunity to pursue a Masters degree, and we fully took advantage of our freedom to travel. We have great memories of Japan, of our road trip up the Pacific coast highway, of travelling all over New England while I was in school. I know the appeal of waiting and enjoying life now, thinking that kids can wait till life is a bit more certain and the financial position a bit stronger. I’m not denigrating you for feeling that, I get it.

This piece is not written from a vantage point so far removed that I can’t see the other side. But men, trust me when I say that holding your baby for the first time will make that all fade into a distant second place. You will never experience love at that level until you hold your precious creation and feel the weight of their total dependence on your wife. You will never feel more driven to provide and build that secure foundation. You won’t lose the great memories you had, but they blur a bit and become less important in light of this newfound joy and responsibility.

Also remember that no matter what your wife says now, she will one day want children. The biological clock is very real, and she will at some point begin to be very cognizant of her remaining child-bearing years. Nothing is quite so painful as seeing a woman who realizes her window has passed, to hear the regret stemming from prioritizing career or independence while stifling what actually brings fulfillment. It will happen, and you would be wise to do your best now to provide her children to meet that ingrained need to be a mother. That urge will begin to show itself more and more, even if they aren’t saying it now. If they are saying it now, stop being the barrier to that innate connection they long to have with the creation of their own body. It’s business time, stop overthinking it.

Of course it’s not easy.

Nothing worth pursuing is easy. We are not meant to spend our healthiest, most energetic decade stuffed and comfortable, squandering our energy on self-indulgence. You will give up comfort when you make this decision, certainly; but you are not designed to be perpetually comfortable. End each day exhausted and know you left it on the field for your family. Of course everything changes. Travel becomes a logistical nightmare for a while, and you are tethered in place more so than before. Your effort is split between your family and their provision. A stress you never knew accompanies the love you did not know was possible.

But you and your wife have created what is now the most valuable thing in your life, and no amount of money could convince you to part with it. If that’s the case- and you know it is- is the waiting list still as compelling? The list of reasons to wait consists entirely of material pursuits, yet those very reasons are only amplified and become more potent when considered from the other side. I would never change my daughters, and I wouldn't change the path which led us to the exact children we currently have today. But if I could go back, I would have married my wife sooner and we would have tried to start our family sooner. There is a reason we are made to have children in our early 20s; it is exhausting for anyone, but your 30s hit a lot harder. Why not start when your biology is prime, and in doing so give your future self a few extra years with that which is the most valuable thing you will ever know? We pray we are blessed with more children, but I must live with the knowledge that I have shortened the counter of the time I have with them on this earth by my former adherence to my waiting list.

A duty to our parents.

I want to add one more factor that should weigh in on the decision to have children now. I have come to believe we have a moral obligation to our parents to provide them grandchildren. This was a realization borne of observation when we had our first daughter. We lived at my in-law’s place in New Hampshire for a few months due to the timing of my grad school tour and my subsequent (and eventually non-existent) flying orders back in San Diego. Their neighborhood is mostly retirees, and I noticed a drastic difference between those who had their own children and grandchildren and those who did not. There was more sense of purpose, and less obsession with our daughter, from those who had grandchildren. Not that they didn’t dote over her, of course grandmothers love to see babies. But they weren’t constantly visiting, like those who didn’t have grandchildren, desperate to hold such a precious life that they wished with everything in them they could say was their own.

The joy and sense of purpose that being a grandparent instills is palpable. There are countless studies on the impact to longevity that being involved in grandchildren’s lives yields. Look up the ‘active grandparent hypothesis,’ or search ‘Harvard study on grandparent longevity’ to see for yourself. The reaction by our parents on hearing our big news was a level of pure joy that cannot be accurately conveyed without observing firsthand. With their permission, I have included a video that we took of us breaking the news. We took them out on Lake Winnipesaukee when my parents visited us New Hampshire. I anchored in a cove for lunch, then we gave each set of parents a box containing two cupcakes that had pacifiers in the top like candles, and a ‘coming April 2021…’ notice written on the inside cover. Below is the video showing the raw, incomparable joy that could never be found in a career, a trip abroad, or anything else that might be on the wait list. Please watch it, I promise it's worth it. See for yourself:

You can’t buy that. There is no 401(k) balance or vacation home or trip to Greece in the 90’s that could ever come close to the revelation that my wife was pregnant with our first. News of a promotion or a portfolio gain could never replicate this level of joy, because money is only a tool to more freely enjoy what truly matters. Having children is the most common thing in the world in one sense, obviously necessary for any one of us to be here. But the joy on display in this video is not that of commonplace expectation. Therefore there must be an additional ethereal element to the renewed purpose and sense of fulfillment derived by such news. A birth is, biologically speaking, as noteworthy as any birthday, simply a function of form and time. But we know this is not that actually the case, that new life is a privilege to be cherished. Men, what could you do for your parents, who gifted you with life, that would yield a reaction of visceral joy to such a degree as this? You know the answer is 'nothing, of course.' Remember, their days are numbered just like yours, and your children's days with their grandparents are likewise numbered and known only by our Creator. You only get to control one of the variable in the number of days that counter spans.

What are you actually waiting for?

If you can create what will be the most valuable thing in your life, which will drive you to be more productive and capture a primal instinct to provide and protect, that you would not give up for any job or asset or memory... what are you waiting for? Our countdown timers tick on without actually revealing to us the number, but you will one day wish the number was higher than it is. One day you will care not about your own life but simply getting to spend more time with the lives you created. That is such a powerful motivating factor, and it should trump everything on the list of reasons you are currently citing to wait..

You can only vacation on tropical islands for so long before you realize that islands are not fulfilling. Those retirees who are realizing their family tree irreversibly die with them would surely trade any career fulfillment to have children and grandchildren around to love and support them in their later years. Memories are best with people, and memories with your wife are invaluable. But when you add the element of love that you can only experience when you have your first child, you will gain a new perspective on the value of time and money.

Careers come and go, as I have experienced firsthand. Having had one I thought was my calling abruptly stolen turned out to be for the best, but to think that I postponed having children for that same career is a prescient reminder that we make plans and God laughs. I implore you, men, to picture your last days. Think about what matters most at that time, and what you would do if you could somehow increase the diminishing counter. If nothing on your current ‘waiting list’ would show up in that final account, it’s time to reconsider the list. Money follows value creation, and nothing you create will hold more value than your children. Time to get serious. Time to be fruitful and multiply.